Rock bottom

Oh my, I was just hit by a strong wave. It suffocated me for a second. I really hope this high tide will be over very soon. I'm tired of all these anxiety :(

find my way back

before I continued reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho (I've read some pages then lost interest), I asked myself what I wanna do with my life after I got the capital for my trading ventures. I was kinda confused. is it enough 'just' to be a trader?

what I meant by 'just' was not having a day job.

will it be strange or out of place to do 'just' that as my job? I mean, other people have jobs, mostly 9 to 5, with fixed payment to receive by the end or beginning of each month.
will I be an outcast if I don't have a day job?
but do I really need it? I've tried that before: going out in the day, then trade during the night. it did not work. I was too tired and didn't have enough adrenaline to open positions :D

this book reminds me to become who I am, not who I want to be seen as in society. who matters is me, not what others think as me.
I just need to set my goals and get on the journey. don't think what might happen, I must continue to the end. if I'm on the right path, Universe will give ways. if I should change course, it will give the signs.

so now I have decided to concentrate on my online forex trading. I got my plans and goals. I know where I am going to end up.

let us begin the journey...

PS: I must be bolder to cut loose anything that no longer fits in my life.

Bali

Sejak kejadian buruk di Bali bulan Maret kemarin, gue masih trauma ngebayangin Bali dan orang-orangnya. Gue buang jauh-jauh rencana pindah ke sana, apalagi punya property di sana. No way.

Mungkin, baru mungkin, kalo gue udah punya duit untuk balikin semua biaya yang keluar waktu itu, sakit hati ini akan sembuh. Tapi ngga sembuh juga gpp sih. Masih banyak tempat lain yang bisa dikunjungi. I don't like to go with the crowd anyways. Dan terlalu banyak orang cinta Bali, I refuse to be a part of it. I don't hate it, I just don't like it.

friends?

Gue tuh suka banget nonton film/serial tentang pertemanan antar perempuan, seperti Sex And The City, Lipstick Jungle, Friends With Money (Jennifer Aniston), The Women (Meg Ryan), SIsterhood Of The Travelling Pants (agak lupa judulnya tapi kira-kira ini hehe). Gue suka karena gaya pertemanannya seperti yang gue mau. Mereka akrab, saling terbuka tapi tetep tau batas. Ga kayak seseorang yang maunya ngatur-ngatur orang lain pake ukuran dia sendiri (kursi).

Sumpah gue ga suka banget orang model begini. Anehnya lagi, ngatur-ngatur orang lain seenaknya ga cukup buat dia. Masih ditambah dengan keinginannya jadi pusat perhatian dunia *tepok jidat*. Oh puhlease, girl, go get a life!! Tiap orang punya urusan masing-masing, bukan cuma mikirin perasaan lo!

Gue rasa tipe pertemanan yang dia anut beda sama gue. Totally in different leagues. Dia senengnya berteman model seragam: selera mesti sama, harus setuju terus, harus bareng melulu, harus nge-bener-in dia melulu, orang lain salah terus. Bweh. Kebiasaan hidup di kampung sih kayaknya, ga bisa mandiri, apa-apa harus atas persetujuan orang sekampung. Walaupun dia ngerasa sesuatu hal itu bener, dia ga akan berani ngelakuin kalau orang-orang di sekitarnya ga setuju. Ngga banget deh yang begini ngaku-ngaku temen gue!

Kemarin-kemarin sempet sih ngebahas kenapa tu orang kelakuannya ajaib. Sekarang bodo amat :P ga rugi ga punya temen model begitu. Malah enak, ga perlu diceritain hal-hal ga penting, kayak pacar-yang-ga-diaku-pacar-tapi-dipamer-sebagai-pacar. Munafik banget sih jadi orang, sok cantik, sok lebih pinter daripada orang lain. Cuma tau gadget dari majalah aja ngerasa orang IT, bwahahahahaha!!! What a bullshit.

Indah Pada Waktunya (Delon ft Irene)

Kau lihat aku di sini seutuhnya sendiri merasa bahagia karenamu
Setelah air mata, kehilangan dan juga kecewa
Kini hanya satu yang kupercaya: kau membuatku bahagia

Jika memang ini saatnya mimpiku akan menjadi nyata
Kupercaya kuatnya cinta
Semua akan menjadi indah pada waktunya

Hadirmu semangat jiwaku karenamu
Kelembutan cintamu semua jawaban yang kudambakan
Kini hanya satu yang kupercaya: kau membuatku bahagia

Jika memang ini saatnya mimpiku akan menjadi nyata
Kupercaya kuatnya cinta
Semua akan menjadi indah pada waktunya

Takkan ada kata-kata yang mampu lukiskan perasaanku saat ini

Jika memang ini saatnya mimpiku akan menjadi nyata
Kupercaya kuatnya cinta
Semua akan menjadi indah pada waktunya

------

Bagus ya kata-katanya? Lumayan bisa bikin gue bertahan hari ini. Perasaan campur-aduk dari pagi. Kalo ga ditahan bisa meledak dari pagi :D

happy birthday to me

Yeps, yesterday was my birthday. 32nd to be exact. 30's is the age I've been waiting for hihihi..

Gue ga termasuk orang yang heboh menyambut ulang taun, kecuali urusan nraktir :D kalo itu mah udah kayak EO aja sampe bikin guest list segala. Secara temen gue banyak *sok beken*
Sampe kemarin pun gue ga ada acara khusus untuk merenung, kontemplasi atau apapun itu namanya. Biasa aja. Bukannya ga bersyukur tapi hampir tiap hari gue ngelakuin itu, minimal seminggu sekali menjelang hari Senin.

Sore menjelang malam akhirnya gue dapet satu hal yang pengen gue capai di umur ini dan seterusnya. Beberapa hari sebelumnya gue bilang hal itu ke suami gue. Agak sambil lalu karena overwhelming juga ngebayanginnya. Setelah dipikir-pikir sebenernya bisa dicapai dengan disiplin tinggi.

Tujuan itu adalah dapet profit $10K per bulan dari trading dengan modal $30K.
Dari mana dapetin modal $30K? Ya dari trading juga. Sekarang ini gue lagi cari modal minimal Rp 10 juta. Lebih besar lebih baik supaya jalan menuju modal 300 juta lebih pendek. Sebelum modal awal itu jadi 300 juta, profitnya akan gue tahan terus. Setelah 300 juta alias $30K, profit ditarik per bulan maksimal 50%. Hitung-hitungan normal sih profit per bulan 30-40%. Itu trading normal, ga ngotot. Kalo ngotot sih seminggu juga bisa profit 100%.

Gue yakin proyek ini bisa jalan dan sukses. Ayo modal, datanglah padaku cepaatttt!!!

Working with Lunar Cycles - Work with the phases of the Moon to manifest your dreams

(real article is here)
by Emily Trinkaus


Working with the phases of the Moon is a simple, practical and effective way to apply Astrology in your everyday life. Just as the Moon influences the ocean’s tides, the Moon’s waxing and waning also reflects the rhythm of our own lives. Paying attention to where the tides are flowing can help you synchronize with cosmic forces, allowing you to “go with the flow” and create successful outcomes with greater ease.

The Moon completes one lunation cycle -- from New Moon to Full and back again -- over the course of about one month (29 ½ days to be exact). Each cycle entails the birth, culmination and completion of something in our lives. What exactly this something is can be determined by looking at the sign of the New Moon and seeing where it’s happening in your birth chart.

Generally speaking, when the Moon is waxing -- or when its light is increasing -- you are opening to new possibilities and initiating new projects. This tends to be an action-oriented time of pursuing goals and making things happen. After the Full Moon, while the light is decreasing, it’s time to complete what you started and reflect upon what you’ve created.

The lunar cycle begins with the New Moon or Dark of the Moon, a deeply mystical time of the month when the external world recedes and your energy is drawn inward. Astrologically, the New Moon signifies the conjunction of the Sun and Moon as they occupy the same sign of the Zodiac. The Moon appears to be invisible because it is eclipsed by the rays of the Sun. This is an excellent time to retreat and reflect upon what you want to create for the coming month. Meditate, get clear about your intentions and for added power, write a list of what you want to manifest.

Launch new projects and anything you want to increase in your life in the days following the New Moon (starting right on the New Moon is too early). About a week after the New Moon comes the First Quarter or Waxing Half Moon when, astrologically speaking, the Sun and Moon are forming a 90-degree angle or “square.” At this point you’re likely to encounter obstacles or challenges in moving forward with what you started. This is a time to reevaluate your course of action and determine whether to continue on or alter your path.

In the days approaching the Full Moon, you can feel the energy building and there’s an increase in activity. The Full Moon occurs about one week after the First Quarter, but you can feel its influence for two days before and after the exact phase. The high energy stimulates great productivity and there’s a sense of things coming to culmination or fruition. Of course, as documented by police stations and emergency rooms, emotions are also running high -- hence the words “lunatic” and “lunacy.”

With the Moon fully reflecting the Sun’s light, you begin to see the results of what you started at the New Moon. Astrologically, the Sun and Moon are now exactly opposite one another in the zodiac. This opposition can bring about new perspectives, breakthroughs and revelations. If you're trying to remove something (or someone) from your life -- old habits, weight, a relationship -- it's best to begin this process a day or two after the Full Moon.

The Last Quarter or Waning Half Moon comes about a week after the Full Moon. Once again, the Sun and Moon are at a 90-degree angle. As the light decreases you feel drawn to focus your energy, concentrating on the task at hand in order to follow through on commitments. At this point you get the fruits of your labor -- the end result of what you started about a month ago is now coming to completion.

During the final days of the cycle, as the Moon’s light recedes and loose ends are tied up, it’s time to go inward again and reflect upon your creations. “Being” rather than doing is appropriate during these dark nights, a time to rest and prepare for the next new beginning.

While every lunar cycle is different -- depending on the sign of the New and Full Moon and other planetary influences -- they all share a common pattern and rhythm. When you pay attention to and cooperate with the Moon’s phases, you’ll notice a big difference in how much more easily you’re able to create what you want. Experiment and discover the results for yourself!

control freak

Another control freak tried to interfere my life. I didn't recognize it instantly, but the feelings were familiar. I hate being controlled by other people, not even by my own parents when they were allowed to do it (ie before my adulthood).

I don't care what those control freaks dealt with which caused them this behavior. I really don't. Why should I care about somebody else's past anyways? I'm relieved I'm free of them, especially this last one.

Goodbye, suckers! Live your own miserable lifes, not my beautiful life.

gregetan

Eugh! Gregetan gue sama si jeprut. Mestinya Jumat kemarin tahap 3 proyek kita udah selesai dan Senin besok kita mulai tahap 4. Eh kemarin pagi dia ngsms katanya duit buat nebus kurang, kepake dugem. Gue ga tau dia becanda ato ngga. Riris bilang Jumat jam 8 malem jeprut ngsms dia, katanya udah mo ambil barang. Tapi dia ga ngabarin lagi abis itu.

Tantangan kita sekarang adalah di kantor belum ada resepsionis baru. Yang terima telfon security. Kalo kita numpang kantor lain keenakan si jeprut (kursi).

Untungnya ada jalur alternatif: lewat Yogi. Kudu bujukin Heru biar mau ngomong ke dia hehehe.. Semoga besok udah ada resepsionis baru di kantor jadi rencana kita bisa mulus. Ayo dong, Universe??

indah pada waktunya

Seharian ini gue sibuk wara-wiri sama Riris cari duit. Begitu ketemu dia langsung kasi tau kabar baik dari DJ. Jadi semangat kita berdua.

Kata Riris, "Kenapa ga dari kemarin-kemarin ya, Han? Kenapa pas udah kepepet gini baru tau beginian?"
Nah tu dia! Kalo tau dari dulu ceritanya bakal beda. Mungkin aja salah satu dari kita bertiga ga se-excited sekarang. Pengaruh ke yang lain kan?

So we're officially on a mission now, hahahaha.. Due date: July 10, 2009.

Give us the money, Universe, please?

wishlist update

Salah satu barang di wishlist gue sebelumnya adalah laptop Compaq. Gue ganti sekarang jadi laptop HP Pavilion dv2-1009 white $699 dan router 3G hehe.
Semoga bisa dibeli bulan Juni ini.

Hey Universe, hear me outttt..

Let's try it again

I've heard of true loves that lasted forever
I guess there is a way
And I've heard of true loves that needed each other more and more each day

What is love when there's no one that cares?
Next time you need my love, I'll be there
Be right by your side

Let's try it again, try it again
My love it has no end
Let's try it again til the end
All because I love you

I've heard of true loves that stayed with each other
Didn't wander thru the night
And I've heard of true loves that prayed for each other
Didn't argue, fuss or fight

Now I know just what love's all about
Next time you need my love I won't doubt, doubt your love again

Let's try it again, try it again
My love it has no end
Let's try it again til the end
All because I love you

Gonna try it again
My love for you it has no end
You know and I know it's all because I love you

Let's try it again, try it again
My love it has no end
Let's try it again til the end
All because I love you

(Let's Try It Again - New Kids On The Block)

P 10,000

Gue mau memulai proyek baru hari ini, Senin, 1 Mei 2009. Proyek ini gue kasih nama Project 10,000. Terdiri dari 2 mode (P10G dan Operational Mode) dan 12 level. Durasi 6-12 bulan.

Proyek ini bisa berjalan berkat dukungan Alam Semesta, suami gue, bokap, temen2 deket gue dan KTA salah satu bank *sok rahasia*.
Proyek ini HARUS SUKSES!! Apapun yang harus dilakukan, lakukan! Sekeras apapun usahanya, kerjakan!

Ayo SEMANGATTTT!!!! Kita pasti bisaaaa!!!! (rock)

nostalgia

malam ini gue asik ngedownload lagu-lagu NKOTB dan Phil Collins. yang udah banyak hilang koleksi PC gue. diapus sama si arab keparat itu (kursi). *tolol banget sih jadi orang*

yang masih bikin gue tertegun *caelah* itu lagu Every Day dari album Both Sides. album ini dia kerjain sendiri, ga full band kayak album lainnya. katanya sih album ini ga begitu laku karena sound-nya beda. gue pribadi tetep suka. bukan karena emang ngefans sama PC, tapi lagunya emang asik-asik. terutama Every Day tadi. kata-kataya dalem, menurut gue waktu itu, hahahaha.. sekarang tetep bikin speechless sih, apalagi denger intronya.

dulu waktu SMA gue punya kasetnya lengkap. CD cuma punya 1 yang But Seriously. gue paling suka album But Seriously Live. drumnya manteb banget! apalagi di lagu In The Air Tonight sekarang lagi nyari mp3nya belum ketemu.

saking tergila-gilanya gue sama Phil Collins, waktu konsernya di Jakarta ditayangin di RCTI gue rekam. ga tanggung-tanggung, bok, ke video dan kaset
sekarang ga tau deh udah pada di mana tu harta karun gue. sampe tiket konsernya aja gue laminating dan simpen, hihihi... gila ya gue. sayang kaos merchandise konser udah ancur. melar-melar ga karuan. pengen gue simpen aja sebenernya, tapi dibuang seseorang. huh.

sekarang gue lagi download lagu-lagu Bee Gees. tua banget ya selera gue? hahahahaha... asik-asik lho lagunya, beneran.
kalo diurutin berdasarkan tahun, gue suka Phil Collins duluan (SMP kelas 1), New Kids (SMP kelas 2), Bee Gees (SMA kelas 2). setelah itu belum pernah ngefans sama penyanyi lain. baru tahap suka sampai suka banget, belum ngefans, apalagi ngefans banget

Every Day (Phil Collins)

*this is one of my favorite songs since high school. tho he didn't sing it on his concert in Jakarta, March 25, 1995*


I got lost, couldnt find my way
And I guess theres nothing more to say
Love can make you blind, make you act so strange
But Im here and here I will stay

So everyday I cry
Yes everyday I fall
Do you ever wonder why, why I love everything about you

But everyday I say Ill try to make my heart be still
til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will

It picked me up, knocked me off my feet
Ive got no way to explain
Still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside
Will never see the light of day

So everyday goes by
And everyday I fall
It makes me wonder why,
My lifes worth nothing without you

But everyday I say Ill try
To make my heart be still
cos every way there is to cry,
Ourselves to sleep, we will

Youll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no
Youll never know just how close we were
Youll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no
Youll never know
No youll never see

The book closes and we try to forget
But I know that things wont change
How we feel, how life goes on
And that seems so strange

And so the light fades away
Try, try, try as I may
I cant stop thinking about you
It seems my lifes worth nothing without you

But everyday I say Ill try
To make my heart be still
til then every way there is to cry,
Ourselves to sleep, we will

Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard
Everyday, everyday it gets a little harder